It's 25 years since the release of David Fincher's movie Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is, of course, never to discuss Fight Club.

Matt and Graham disagree. More couples should talk about fighting. Arguments happen. The trick is to make sure you fight well.

Cultivating good relationships is like learning a new language: there are certain grammatical "rules" to guide you; practice makes perfect; making mistakes is a key part of getting better. But we often mistakenly assume we just absorb those skills during our early lives.

Today, Matt and Graham explore skills we need to learn along the way to get better at relationships and how to learn to put aside some of the learning we did in our childhood homes ("we never argue in this house", "when things get difficult, doors get slammed" etc.) and lean into the differences our partners bring to the table.

Along the way, the delve deeper into some of the specific skills we could all do with practicing to improve our relationships.

The star-cross'd lovers, Romeo and Juliet, are often held up as paragons of a romantic ideal. But are they really?

Today, Matt and Graham have a look at the mistakes we make in love: the assumption that there should be "the one" who "completes" us; the idea that the intensity of teenage love should continue into adulthood; the concept that we should simply accept relationships becoming stale and boring.

Along the way, they have a look at the behaviours that need to be fixed to lead to more fulfilling relationships and talk about what "imperfect love" looks like.

Some references in this episode:

The wonderful Before Sunset trilogy of movies by Richard Linklater: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112471/

Love's Executioner by Irvin Yalom: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Loves-Executioner-Irvin-D-Yalom/dp/014197544X

Irwin Hirsch on "imperfect love": https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15240650701518532

It's the new thing with well-intentioned couples experts: drive greater intimacy and trust by being radically honest with your partner. Tell them more about your inner thoughts, dreams and desires.

But what does radical honesty really mean?

Does it add anything to the virtue of honesty celebrated by Aristotle thousands of years ago?

Matt and Graham grapple with the concept in this episode, with a nod to Will Ferrell, Brett Kahr, and bowel movements....

Here's the scene from Old School with Will Ferrell leaning too hard into the "tree of trust":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76fu_0kZ_Sw

Here's Brett Kahr's book, "Sex and the Psyche":

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Psyche-Truth-Secret-Fantasies/dp/0141024844

Here's Sam Harris's book, "Lying":

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lying-Sam-Harris/dp/1940051002

In this episode, Graham and Matt discuss some bad ideas often given to couples - from self-help books, wellness magazines and, yes, couples therapists. They might have even offered some of these bad ideas themselves once upon a time....

Should you look deep into each other's eyes? Should you have Date Nights? Should you share a bath together? Should you create a Vision Board for your relationship?

Matt and Graham challenge the over-use of therapy-speak and psychobabble in relationships. What should you do instead of saying your "narcissistic" partner is "gaslighting" you, if in reality, they're just being annoying and a bit difficult?

We reference our blogpost on the topic for Psychology Today which you can find here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202407/too-much-therapy-speak-can-ruin-your-relationship