Listen free for 30 days

  • How to Be a Footballer

  • By: Peter Crouch
  • Narrated by: Peter Crouch
  • Length: 7 hrs and 36 mins
  • 4.7 out of 5 stars (3,187 ratings)

Pick 1 audiobook a month from our unmatched collection - including bestsellers and new releases.
Listen all you want to thousands of included audiobooks, Originals, celeb exclusives, and podcasts.
Access exclusive sales and deals.
£7.99/month after 30 days. Renews automatically. See here for eligibility.
How to Be a Footballer cover art

How to Be a Footballer

By: Peter Crouch
Narrated by: Peter Crouch
Try for £0.00

£7.99/month after 30 days. Renews automatically. See here for eligibility.

Buy Now for £13.00

Buy Now for £13.00

Pay using card ending in
By completing your purchase, you agree to Audible's Conditions of Use and authorise Audible to charge your designated card or any other card on file. Please see our Privacy Notice, Cookies Notice and Interest-based Ads Notice.

Listeners also enjoyed...

The Therapy Crouch cover art
The Romford Pelé cover art
The Second Half cover art
The Game cover art
Ask a Footballer cover art
Robbo: Now You're Gonna Believe Us... cover art
My Story cover art
Red cover art
How to Be a Football Manager cover art
Bend It Like Bullard cover art
My Lifey cover art
Hooked cover art
A Man Walks On to a Pitch cover art
A Life in Football cover art
Your Show cover art
Big Sam: My Autobiography cover art

Summary

**A Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year**

**Shortlisted for the National Book Awards**

**Longlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year**

You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.

So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.

We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions.

I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?

©2018 Peter Crouch (P)2018 Penguin Audio

Critic reviews

'Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times

'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro

Audible Sessions with Peter Crouch

Meet the author of How to Be a Footballer
0:00

What listeners say about How to Be a Footballer

Average customer ratings
Overall
  • 4.5 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    2,504
  • 4 Stars
    554
  • 3 Stars
    104
  • 2 Stars
    14
  • 1 Stars
    11
Performance
  • 4.5 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    2,221
  • 4 Stars
    447
  • 3 Stars
    91
  • 2 Stars
    17
  • 1 Stars
    7
Story
  • 4.5 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    2,109
  • 4 Stars
    509
  • 3 Stars
    123
  • 2 Stars
    20
  • 1 Stars
    10

Reviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.

Sort by:
Filter by:
  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Fantastic

Great Audio book kept me listening and good narration by Peter Crouch would definitely recommend

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

4 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

excellent stuff

A funny honest view from a seemingly genuine guy...even if you know nothing much about football it is a great take on modern life and celebrity

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

4 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

Best footy book I’ve read in ages

Really enjoyed this! It offers a different insight into the crazy footballing world and Crouchy is the perfect tour guide to take you on that adventure!

Well written, well read, just good fun!

Nice swan Crouchy laaaa

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

4 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

A great book about a world too bonkers to believe

Taking a step back you soon realise how legendary a footballer Peter Crouch is, and how wide spread his knowledge and experience in the game spans. So who better to walk us through a world so few of us will ever see first hand.

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

2 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

Outstanding!

The fact that Peter Crouch is your narrator only adds to this gem of a book. It's not done in diary form as a life story but in sections as inane as haircuts and clothing.
This only adds to its brilliance, literally laugh out loud funny. No bragging although not scared to admit that he's had his "big time" moments.
Definitely the type of big daft mate you'd love to go for a few beers with.
Entertaining throughout, it's as funny as a sports book gets. Please, please, please go into management because this is the natural successor to Ian Holloway.

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

2 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

Great listen

Funny and interesting, classic Crouchy!
A real insight into the world of a footballer, in the words of someone who tells a great story. Couldn’t stop listening to this one.

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    4 out of 5 stars

A good read

I enjoyed this book as it tells so much about the game you don’t hear, what goes on in the hotels on the team coach etc, I will read his last est book next

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

brilliant

I realy loved it, Very funny and honest. I was gutted when it finished.

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

top bloke

not a fan of any teams he has played for but I really like him and really enjoyed this book and also respect to Peter for reading it as well

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

Great listen and funny

Enjoyed the book and we’ll narrated by Peter, he made it enjoyable and funny, well worth your time and money

Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.

You voted on this review!

You reported this review!

1 person found this helpful