Close, Close, Close? Shut, Shut, Shut!!

Corn with a Southern Drawl...... Perfect your 80's used car sales techniques with Zig Zigl-ar (yeahhh, crrrrr - fake applause - yeahhh, wooooooh! more cccrrrrrrrrr)

Hey I'm Ziiiiig Zig-lar (cccrrrrrrrrrrrr - wooh - yeah!)

I've got a Ford Cortina here, lovely little runner - I'll give you a special price 'guv', I had someone look at it just an hour ago so you'd better be quick.

Imagine yourself stroking the velour, the leather of the steering wheel in the palms of your hands. Just imagine what 'er indoors (the 'redhead') would think, eh and what about the neighbours ooohhh, aarrh.

Go on, feel it, sit inside, imagine the palms of your hands around the gear stick, feels good eh? I can let you drive this lovely little runner away today or I can deliver it for you. When's best? Tuesday PM or Wednesday AM?

Look at it's value - it'll last you five years - at ?11K that's just ?6 per day. I'll write you the receipt to say paid CASH in full to show your friends how goddam cash-rich you are. Here I've filled in the forms for you to sign at your convenience.

Now I bet I know where you're gonna drive this baby.......eh.....I'm right...........aint I............tell your fiends (sic) you got it from your uncle Ziggie!

Shocking, outdated and clich?d. I'm sorry Zig, the times and with it sales techniques have moved on. It's cheese with extra mould and an extra, extra thick crust.

Save your money - you know all of this stuff already - you learned it on the sales course you did in 1987. You remember, course you do, Whitesnake in the charts, big hair, final countdown, Richard Marx, Angry Anderson singing at Kylie & Jason's wedding, pixie boots, dancing round in circles to 'Lady in Red' - you know, you remember, the times when people actually bought an alternate close.

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